Dec 7 2013
For some weird reason, I am up at the unGodly hour of 5AM on Saturday morning. I am NEVER up this early unless I have to take Jimmy to work. This was just a morning after a night of not being able to sleep well and was wide awake before the butt crack of dawn. I’m glad I was. If I had slept longer I wouldn’t have been able to take part in a conversation on Facebook that is the motivation for this blog post.
Living in a male-dominated society, so many times we as females are taught our worth is limited and most times not even valuable enough to explain why this is so. Because of this there are many women who have found themselves in a relationship that for one reason or another doesn’t work out. Even after leaving this abusive relationship (yes, this is a type of mental abuse), many times these women repeat the cycle and fall back in love with the same sort of man. If these women are lucky, they figure out how to leave this second or third or (insert number here) relationship and swear off men completely with an I don’t need a man to make myself complete. I survived too much abuse to allow myself to be in that situation ever again. Good for you Sister, good for you. IF that really works, usually it doesn’t.
Unfortunately, you are still damaged goods and by that I mean you do not see the harm you are causing others around you. Specifically some of the other females you have in your circle. You try to be everything you didn’t have in your relationship, you try to make your world complete with just you and if so blessed your children. You become almighty, judgmental and condescending. You surround yourself with those who may for a while think and believe the same as you do until one of them says something you just can’t agree with and you get all haughty and declare you just don’t have time for so much negativity in your life. You think you are taking the higher road and being a good person, when in fact you are still down on the compost heap where you landed after your last failed relationship. Sound familiar? I found myself in this rut and quickly dug my way out. I do not want to condemn anyone else based on my perceptions of how life should be.
Then there are those who have been in the direct path of your hate and discontent. Even though they hang on your every word, eventually they are going to wake up and come to realize the things they have believed for so long now just aren’t true for them any longer. My friend Tess made this statement this morning, it’s what started the conversation I was a part of, and this is what gave me the nudge to write so early today.
“I am not a woman that has been damaged by men…..
I am a woman that has been damaged by women that have been damaged by men….”
And before any of you think I’m pointing fingers at you, I want to say I’ve been divorced FOUR times, each time I’ve come away from that relationship having learned a difficult lesson. Did these negative and oft times abusive relationships make me hard, unreachable, and subconsciously determined to make everyone around me as miserable as I am? Absolutely not! The breakdown of relationships is more often than not a mutual happening, even though most of us need to have someone else to blame our shortcomings on. Was I a perfect wife? Hell no! Did I contribute to the breakdown of my relationship?? Oh absolutely! Am I angry or damaged from the experience? Probably. However, I do not make those around me miserable, have feelings of guilt because they are happy when I am not, nor do I stand in my ivory tower and pass judgment on those I deem not worthy to be *me*.
There were a couple other people participating in this discussion this morning and Lorelei said something that really hit home and made me do some serious thinking. She said “it is sad that often the damage is done before we realize the source”. How do we stop allowing those who have been damaged to perpetuate their petulance onto us? The cycle must be broken. How do we break the cycle of damaging our sisters simply because we have been damaged by a man? I don’t have that answer, and I’m not sure even if I did those who are floundering around in their own destruction would even be open enough to see what they were doing so they COULD make changes. Or would they even want to make changes to their life??
In my life, I try very hard to be less judgmental and then not pass my judgment on to others, I realize not everyone is perfect and will not fit into my concept of life. I also stopped engaging in negative conversations and relationships. No, I’m not being high and mighty, I’m being realistic. I am not perfect, I’ve known that for quite some time. And I also know no matter what I do, even if I believe it is my best, I will not be able to please everyone so I stopped trying. As long as I keep my husband, children, grandchildren and a few select members of the Tribe at least content, I’ve done my job as a wife, mother, grandmother, Sister and friend. And that is all I can do…