Wednesday, July 5, 2017

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 4

Something You Have to Forgive Someone Else For

When I decided I was going to do this challenge again, I said I'd try to find the entries from 2011 when I did it the first time. I found some of them, not all 30 days. I wanted to see if my feelings, thoughts, decisions, actions had changed at all.

30 Days of Truth~Something You Have To Forgive Someone Else For (Original post-July 18, 2011) 

When I sat down and tried to come up with one specific thing to forgive someone for, I couldn’t do it.

There have been a lot of times in my life I felt I had been “wronged”. If I held onto them, I’d be stark raving looney by now. For the most part, I have dealt with the issue; put it in its own little box on a shelf in that great big imaginary closet we all have where we put things we don’t want to deal with any longer and moved on. Sometimes far away from said closet.

I feel I have grown from the faults I have encountered. I have changed, mostly for the better, and can honestly say I don’t hold a grudge…OK, not for very long anyway… I pick up the pieces, dust myself off and move along to the next phase/challenge my Goddess has in store for me.

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It is very difficult for me to forgive someone when I've been as deeply hurt as the situation I'm writing about today has hurt me. I wrote in the post from 2011that I can usually put shit away in a box in the back of the closet and leave it alone. I also said I don't usually hold a grudge ... that is still pretty much the truth, with the exception of ex-husband #4.

I have been married 4 times before Jimmy. Divorce 1-3 had little to no impact on me and I felt I was doing the correct thing getting away from an abusive relationship. Ex#1 was physically abusive and #2 & #3 were mentally/emotionally abusive. Once I figured out the damage they were doing to me and my kids, I found a way to leave them.  Ex #4 ... it took a little longer to figure this one out. I "thought" it was a healthy relationship, I mean he took care of me and then tackled the responsibility of taking care of my kids while I spent time in jail. At least I thought he was taking care of all of us.

Like I said, it took a while (13 years) to figure out the mental gymnastics he put us through. You see, he is a momma's boy through and through. And he knows the fine art of manipulation. Once I did figure out what was happening I made the decision to ask him to leave, to move out, to go away. And I gave him everything he asked for in the divorce (except my car, that I was paying for. But that's a story for another time). It seems I even gave him my family and friends, people who absolutely couldn't stand him while we were married, but the minute I end my marriage to him, he's everybody's favorite and I'm the outcast of my family and friends. People that I'd know all or most of my life. Hell, even my parents and the BFF I'd had since jr. high was on his side.

He used his fine art of manipulation to tell some very tall tales, or downright lies and anyone he spoke to believed him. Remember these are people I've know ALL MY DAMN LIFE, 40 some odd years for some of them and each one of them took his side of the situation without ever asking me what happened. He was instrumental in having me terminated from an amazing job in Scottsdale AZ that inadvertently was the catalyst for us moving across the country to Maryland in 2002. The toughest thing was his manipulation of my children which caused all of them to not speak to me for close to 5 years.

Fortunately, because of him, I found out exactly how strong I really am, and also found the one person I know I can always count on. If it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't have met Jimmy and would not be blessed with the life we have now. So, for Day 4~Something I have to Forgive Someone Else For, I will have to say, I have to forgive Ex#4 for being the manipulating son of a bitch he is because without learning that lesson, I wouldn't have the life I do today.