Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For.
When I decided I was going to do this challenge again, I said I'd try to find the entries from 2011 when I did it the first time. I found some of them, not all 30 days. I wanted to see if my feelings, thoughts, decisions, actions had changed at all.
30 Days of Truth~Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For (Original post-July 17, 2011)
Many, many things...but the one that I can't seem to get over is the breakdown of the relationship with my eldest daughter. I can list various reasons or excuses, but the simple fact is, it was easier to let my mother be her mother.
I was a frightened, abused by my husband, in the process of a divorce after only being married less than a year, teenager, when she was born 37 years ago. And when she was finally released from the hospital after her birth, where she had to spend an additional 4 weeks because her *father* beat me the night I went into labor with her and caused a premature birth, I honestly didn't know how to care for her. So, up steps my Mom and literally takes over the care and comfort for this child. There were times when I did try to do things on my own, be a mother to her, I mostly failed. I made so many mistakes and repeated a few of them.
But I NEVER stopped loving her. Or stopped worrying about her. I have tried to mend the damage, sometimes I think I'm doing OK, others I feel like I'm pushing her away again. She is, after all, an adult with a 15-year-old daughter of her own and even though she has very serious health problems she is doing an AMAZING job as a parent.
I wish we were closer, both in distance and in heart. I'd love to be able to spend time with her, learning about the incredible adult she has become. Until that time comes, I'll work on forgiving myself, and I'll continue to thank Goddess every day, and ask Her to keep her under Her protection.
I love you Mylia...
The list of things I feel I should forgive myself for is still long and very complicated. And though I probably should decide on one factor, I can't. I've made so many bad choices in my life, too many of them that have had negative consequences for those around me. The one thing that keeps coming back to shadow me is that I wish I had been a better mother and subsequently a better grandmother.
Yes, Debbie & Cheyenne and Tanya & Ravyn are here with us, but Angel isn't and neither is my son Justin and his wife Tiffany and the four beautiful granddaughters they have blessed me with. There is not a day goes by that I don't think about Alanna, Kayla, Taya and Cassandra. They live in Texas, and the last time I saw any of them was when we went to Arizona for my Momma's memorial service in 2012.
I miss so much of their life ... but when I stop and think about it, I didn't have a relationship with either of my grandmothers. So maybe it is my fate to not have a relationship with 5 out of 7 of my grandchildren. The something I have to forgive myself for is not being a better, more involved and present grandmother.