Monday, July 10, 2017

30 Days of Truth~Day 9

Someone You Didn't Want to Let Go.

When I decided I was going to do this challenge again, I said I'd try to find the entries from 2011 when I did it the first time. I found some of them, not all 30 days. I wanted to see if my feelings, thoughts, decisions, actions had changed at all.

30 Days of Truth~Someone You Didn't Want to Let Go (Original post-July 23, 2011)

Someone I didn't want to let go... names & faces, names & faces... keep flashing through my mind, how do I choose just one *someone*?

I can't settle on one, so you get a couple *someone'(s)* for today's entry.

There's my BFF from HS, K. We did everything together. Went to church, sang in both the youth and adult choirs. Competed for some of the same offices in our church youth group. Even dated some of the same guys, not at the same time, but when we broke up with someone the other was maybe interested in, we talked about it and there was honestly NO problem or jealousy.

I can't remember exactly what caused us to lose touch the first time. We were apart for more than 10 years. When we reconnected, it was like we were never apart. And after many late night conversations, we swore we would never let a guy come between us again. I'm still not completely sure that's the reason for the first estrangement, but it seemed like the perfect thing/person to lay the blame on at the time.

Unfortunately, a guy is the exact thing that caused our separation this time. OK, 2 guys...her current husband and my ex #4 (see entry for day #8). I really didn't get along with her hubby and neither she or her husband liked my ex. We told them they needed to figure a way to get along. And it worked for a while, til I removed Ex #4 from my life and he went to her with his lies. I haven't seen or talked to K in 10 years now. We do chat on Facebook on occasion, but the closeness is gone and it's just not the same.

Then there is J.

Before I get into this one, I should probably let you know, I am bisexual. This is one of the reasons for removing Ex #4 from my life. He freaked out when I told him and just couldn't handle that I liked girls too... his loss in my book. Most guys I know fantasize about having 2 women, he said he did, but when it came right down to it, he thought I was some sort of weirdo...

Anyway, Jimmy and I had heard all the stories and rumors surrounding J. We probably should have RUN the opposite way, instead, we both ended up falling in love with her. Yes, I FULLY believe you can be in love with more than one person at a time. We tried to show her how it felt when someone is loved unconditionally, which we don't think she ever knew. I think we frightened her. Not because both of us were in love with her, she was good with that. She just didn't seem to be able to handle love without conditions, blame, negativity, lies, abuse, belittling... the things she had gotten from both of her ex-husbands.

She lied to us...too many times and we caught her in each instance. And she was jealous...not of the relationship Jimmy & I have together. She was jealous of our other friends. People we would go to dinner with, or have a drink with when she was unable to come with us for one reason or another. She broke our hearts...both mine and Jimmy's.

So my someone(s) for this entry are K and J. I love and miss them both, and I think about them more often than not.

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When I saw the prompt for today there is only one person that came to mind and it is completely different than the ones I wrote about previously. I didn't need to search, I didn't need to dig through memories, and I didn't hesitate. This one person touched my life and my soul in ways that no one else ever has. I think about her daily and I honestly hope things are well with her. I know she's been through some devastation in the past few months, but I'd never wish any harm to her nor do I wish her pain. No matter how hurt I am, I still love her with a part of me that will never get over her.

Yes, Jimmy knew about our relationship and never had a problem with our closeness.

The connection we had was strong ...stronger than I  had ever experienced. There were times she knew what was going on with "me" before I did. And I could always count on her to call me on my shit and yank me back into line if I'd overstepped too far. She was my soul sister, if anyone can fill all the aspects of a perfect friend it was her. She was my friend, my lover, a mentor, a teacher ... now there is an empty space that can never be filled again.

Yes, she is THE ONE Someone I Didn't Want to Let Go.