Sunday, November 12, 2017

Depression Isn't Fun

Before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, this is about my journey with depression. Not everyone will have the same symptoms or experiences I write about. I don't walk the same twisted road that someone else may be traveling. Depression is real. It's debilitating and it is a never-ending cycle. Yes, you can control it with medication and sometimes a lifestyle change. Or if you are like me and stop taking the drugs you've been given simply because you don't like living life as a shell with little to no emotion, you find other ways to manage ... until you can't. When that happens to me and I can't manage the fear, the tears, the anxiety and the roller coaster emotions, I spend time curled in my blankets in the middle of my bed and only move if absolutely necessary. Fortunately for me, I have a strong supportive husband who also fights with depression and he can often tell the signs before they manifest in me to the point of being the non-functioning Vickie.

This past week was one of the times I needed my blankets. Two unexpected deaths in our extended CHOSEN family and the anniversary of my Momma's passing. All week long I was on a roller coaster while trying at the same time to lend love and support to others who were going through the loss and grief I was running from. Little things set me to crying, and even smaller things brought huge smiles to my face and a giggle to my voice. But, last week was a busy week and I didn't get to spend any time wrapped in the comforting nest of my blankets. I got up every morning, faced the challenges each of those mornings gave me, some were easier to handle than others, but not one of those challenges (like the Aussies chewing up not one but two hoops that had been wrapped for dream shield creation) or one of those days got the best of me. I won this round, I survived and I came out on the other side victorious.

Today, I'm feeling a bit better. I had 2 full days of time with Jimmy, the time we can't always find because we are so busy with day to day life. Granted, Friday was spent mostly driving from one end of the state to the other (not literally, we drove from Hope Mills to Kenansville and back to Hope Mills/Fayetteville and then all over Fayetteville, LOL!) to settle the ticket he got last July after the accident while working for Sanderson Farms, but it was time we spent together, talking, laughing, making plans. Then, Saturday was filled to exhaustion for me with errands and shopping with my girls and Maine, while Jimmy and the Little Witch spent most of the day at Aloha Safari Rescue Zoo's Boo at the Zoo.

This morning, we are back to our routines, Jimmy is at work driving the dump truck in circles, Tanya and Maine are cleaning and painting, Mylia will be at her desk for Kelly Services this afternoon. The only deviation is the Little Witch isn't at school due to teachers in-service day. So, we've got Barbie movies on Amazon, pages to color and possibly some cookies to make. And since our high-temperature is only going to reach 61° later today, I'm making a homemade completely from scratch chicken pot pie for dinner.

The only dim part of today is that Calliope isn't feeling well. I've been watching her like a hawk since she had the dental surgery 10 days ago. She is still taking the medication Dr. Chavis sent home for her, she was feeling much better, had been playing and running around like before and had begun eating more ... until yesterday when she began vomiting her dinner and then sometime last night she developed diarrhea. This morning she's not eating and she started her "heat" cycle. Thankfully, that is one of the things that will be taken care of when she goes back on the 22nd ...

Depression? Go away. I don't have time for you today, I will not give in and I will beat you down. This time you will not win.

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