Friday, July 27, 2018

It's Been FIVE Years, Y'all!

In the memories that come across my Facebook timeline this morning was an entry for a status update I wrote 5 years ago. Yes, I went and re-read the entire thing. And then I re-read the blog I wrote about it. After I finished reading both the status update and blog post, I felt a sense of peace like I've not experienced before. No, I'm not going to get into the reasons the original post was made, I'm going to instead look at all the things that have happened since that "fateful" weekend five years ago.

For the longest time, I felt a sense of loss. Then each new day brought so much more light into my life and made me realize the cause of the darkness was no longer part of my daily existence ... I rejoiced! Yes, literally gave thanks for the direction my path was now leading me.

But along that new path, the darkness was always there as a shadow on the things I did. It's more than a bit difficult to fully recover from something that had been part of your everyday life, when you know there are those who take great joy in any failing you might have, no matter how small. Sometimes taking the steps in the right direction will end up being the biggest steps of your life, I've found when I am in this situation, tiny steps work the best.

Tiny steps I did take. I began by removing the people who had contributed to my darkness, yes, some of them removed me and it made my choices much easier than I thought at first. Among those who remained were the ones who had always been there in my life and knew firsthand the torment I was going through. Because many of them had also experienced the same type of treatment and behavior that was being dealt to me. Yes, today my Facebook friends list is small, the smallest it has ever been. And among those who are counted as friends, I can truthfully say, each of them is someone I admire and respect. No more plastic wannabe people in my circle.

But ... that darkness still managed to get to me. I was over thinking everything I did, wondering if those who shall remain nameless would somehow find a way to continue their torment. I stopped writing, I stopped creating, I just stopped doing much of anything on the public platform that is Facebook, blogging, Etsy, and Twitter. I second guessed each idea and plan, I chose to give them space in my head.

Once the one year anniversary rolled around, I took a long hard look at where I was and what I was doing with my life. Granted, I'd mostly hidden for that first year and rarely left the comfort zone I'd built around my life. On that day, I found things were beginning to get easier. I was regaining the confidence I'd lost, I began to see the light and knew there was nothing anyone could do to me if I didn't allow it.

The first couple years were full of anger. Anger at those who I allowed to have any type of control over me and my life. That anger made me lash out at everything and everyone. My blogs were full of anger and rants. This is how I felt I needed to deal with my emotions. Once I figured out what I was doing to myself I switched gears and began rebuilding the me I'd let be destroyed.

In the five years since that fateful day, I've grown closer to my Gods, I LISTEN to Them and learn the lessons They have for me much more quickly than ever before. I follow the path They are directing me to walk on instead of trying to go my own way. I have learned so many things and found the wonder in the world once again.

It hasn't been easy to walk this road of recovery, I still stumble every now and then. But, I don't fall and I don't give in to the shadows that at one time haunted me every minute of every day. No, my life is not all sunshine and rainbows, I still have struggles. Now they are of a different sort. I worry about things I can make a change in, and I remember ...yes I remember and keep the things I've learned in a place I can easily find them so I never make that same mistake again.

2 comments:

  1. Time might not heal all things, but it does give us the space we need to get to a place where healing (and better things) are possible.

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  2. You always grow and choose to be authentic my Feisty love.

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