Monday, December 17, 2018

Depression, Anxiety and My Holidays

Here it is Monday, December 17th, Friday is Yule and one week from today is Chrismas Eve. I've been fighting with my depression and anxiety for most of the month simply because I haven't been physically able to do as much as I have in the past (and still WANT to do today) to contribute to our celebration. Yes, our house looks amazing, Tanya and the Little Witch are now living full time with us and has made sure to get all the decorations up, and thanks to combining her decorations from previous years and  Doug and Angel letting Tanya bring home to NC the things they had in MI but no longer use, we have more this year than we've ever had.

Jimmy has been gone since Thanksgiving, turning the wheels in the BAT in order to have the funds we feel are necessary to buy the small things to make more memories to share. Even though we have everything we need, I find myself upset that we can't do more to help those around us that have so little. Yes, I know it's unreasonable to feel like this, but each time I see someone who doesn't even have the ability to have a meal or a warm jacket, or even a pair of socks, I want to have the money to help them. But we don't ...

And as a parent, when part of your family is also struggling and you don't have the ability to help change their circumstances, I often time find myself feeling like a failure. Yes, I'm fighting my demons, some days I win, other days I can't stop my mind from looking for any way possible to fix things for those I love.

The only thing I have been able to do is to help the Little Witch work her magic and craft some felt and foam ornaments for our tree, and help her to decorate stockings for each of us. But that's about all. No baking, no candy making, no cookies, no crafting for me. My hands just won't permit me to do the things I love to do this time of the year.

Getting old is no fun. My mind is still as active as it always has been, but the physical limitations grow each day. Going shopping for the holidays used to give me such joy, now I can't spend more than about 15 minutes in any store before I want to punch someone. I've been asking myself lately, "is it me that has the problem or is it the other people"? Why does it seem that no one cares about the others they encounter? Why does it seem that everyone is "all about me"? What happened to courtesy from others? Why do some people think it's acceptable to be rude and nasty while at the same time they are making a big deal about celebrating a holiday that is supposed to be about love and joy and peace and ...

Yes, I am struggling these days, but I can promise you those around me have no idea where I am. I fight those demons, I fight them with everything I have and I put on a smile so I don't cause more worry for my family.


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